The Evolution of Me

I know where I stand in the blog world. I’m not famous or infamous. I have a small readership and that makes me happy. I would love to be more like Kristi or Carly, but I’m not. It would take a lot more intelligence and humor to even put me close.

Even though I don’t have a large following or 20+ subscribers (But can I tell you how much I love my 15 subscribers! YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING PEOPLE!) I’m still a stat checker. I see you. All of you. Well, all dozen of you. Heh. But I see you, I click on your links, your blogs, I trace your steps to find out how you came to me. I’m self-absorbed nosey that way.

I even marvel at the number of disgusting web searches that bring you to me. You. Friggin’. Nasty. Perverts. “girls who love spanking testicles”. Seriously? They get worse, much much worse. And now, because I have typed that phrase out in my blog I’m going to get a million more nasty perverts looking on. Gross. This is why I have always avoided writing posts about the funny or obscene searches that bring people to my blog. Some are just so bad they are not worth repeating and it only encourages more sexual deviants to find me anyway.

I digress. Today, as I was looking through my stats I started thinking back to older posts, back in the day when I was first starting out as a blogger. While browsing through those “wet-behind-the-ears” posts I had to resist a strong urge to delete every lame thing I have ever said. I was horrified and embarrassed at things I had written. Like, this. Really? Shoot. Me. Dead.

Sometimes I was a tad out of left field, but potentially insightful.

Then there were posts with incriminating pictures. Oy.

There were many times that I posted things that I absolutely loved and thought were great, but others, not so much. Hmph.

Ugh, and then there is just the maladroit crap (gosh I love the thesaurus) that comes out of my insane head on one odd day.

I even had moments where I was able to scrape out 702 words on wind.

There was also some creative flops.

I have been blogging since 2006 and saw that yesterday I had written and posted my 450th post. When I first started, well, I shudder to think of that actually, I wish I could erase it all, but that would be silly. You have to start somewhere and grow. Hennyway, I have tried so hard to be a good blogger that sometimes my efforts are incredibly grandiose, pretentious and appear phony in that I was over-doing things. Other times they were just completely immature and nonsensical without an ounce of direction.

My efforts as of late have not necessarily improved that much, though. I still love big words and have certain favorites and will always try to expand my vocabulary but the difference is that now I put a bit more thought into my posts and try to appear as though I’m not trying so hard, even when I am. Is it working? Pft, I have no clue.

I feel more comfortable as a blogger though. That is the important thing. When there are news stories on the television or articles written about bloggers and how this new wave of connecting to others is sweeping the world I feel proud to say, “hey, I’m one of them!”. Moms seem to find blogging especially satisfying. The critics of mommybloggers and other scientific research gurus who feel that mommy-blogging is a way to disconnect yourself from real life and hide on the internet can kiss our collective asses. We ALL have real lives outside of the internet. I have real friends, real family, real problems. I simply enjoy writing, like the rest of us. It’s my hobby. It is my creativity. It is my outlet for thoughts that build in my head day to day. There are days where I spend hours on the computer reading blogs, writing my own and connecting with my cyber-friends. There are also plenty of other days where I’m not even home long enough to check my email because I’m doing “real things” outside of my home! Gasp!

Aaaannnnnd the claws retract, defenses down….

So, while I would like to erase my beginnings from the map, I guess I owe them gratitude instead. They showed me what not to do and how to better myself as a blogger. Without failure we can never know success, right? OH! Wait! Silly me, I still don’t know success! Heh. Regardless, I hope I have moved up the ladder a couple of steps.

But, you know what really makes me happy? Readers that have been with me from the very beginning or close to it, and are with me today… like Shionge. She is a pal, a peach, a gem! Lioux… you’re a peach too baby. Sweet sweet Lori. And Riley, whom I always profess my love to.

There are so many more of you who continue to stop by, I see you. I thank you. I love you. I read your blogs, often times in my bloglines so my visits may not register, but I’m there! I have evolved because of all of you. I’m greatful to have 15 subscribers but would love to have more. I used to have 16 but someone dropped me… that’s ok. I know I’m not the greatest blogger on the planet, nor am I even close to mediocre, but it’s fine! Really! I’m coo wit it. (See how cool I am that I can drop the L and the H and sound totally hip? Yeahhh)

One thing blogging has really shown me is that no matter how bad I am at it, I absolutely love writing. I really do. I have visions of being a freelancer for some magazine or newspaper. But, that requires talent and oh, um, maybe education? The classes I’m taking in college are getting me closer to my Associates degree and the classes that require several term papers are the ones I excel in. I just don’t think a few A’s and an Associates degree are going to get me gigs for a magazine. So I will stick with this for now.

I guess this stupid post is about blogger reflection, then and now, where we started and where we are. It’s about not hiding the embarrassing stuff from the beginning but accepting it and just trying to do better each and every post. Who would have thought that this, blogging, typing your thoughts out to strangers, would become important, thoughtworthy or prolific.

And now, I resume real life. Screaming at my boys. Feeding my face. Pooping. Letting my friend’s dog out while they are away. Facebooking (wait, that’s not real life either). Going to Wal-Mart. Preparing for my son to start preschool again next week. Birthday parties. Paying bills (thank you Lord for Checkfree and internet payments). And whatever else crosses my path day to day…

Happy Blogging. Happy Labor Day weekend. Much love from me to all of you.

*** Incidentally I just went to my bloglines to begin reading other blogs and noticed I’m now down to 14 subscribers. I try not to take it personal but dayum!  But how can you not? I am losing people, that sucks!