Sneaky sneaky Mr. Policeman

I got pulled over today for the first time in about 10 years. The officer hid himself well and I didn’t see him until after I had passed him going 46 in a 30mph zone.

Oops.

As soon as I saw him I knew I was busted. Ten seconds later the lights were flashing and I was pulling over. I have always been very polite whenever I was pulled over because being nice and respectful gets you a lot farther than being an ass to them.

So, this giant officer gets out of his patrol car and walks up to my window and says the usual, “GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

No no, wait, he didn’t say that. “License and proof of insurance please?” and as I’m handing them over he finishes with, “The reason I pulled you over is because you were doing 46 in a 30 zone.”

“I know, I saw you sir. I’m so sorry.” I said politely and with a smile.

“I’ll be right back.” He replied.

‘A little surly, but I can manage that,’ I thought to myself. I was very confident that I wasn’t going to get a ticket because I acknowledged my error (pfft, error, he’s lucky I wasn’t doing 55 like I usually do) and have not had a ticket in 10+ plus years, which he would soon see. I was certain my strategy would work.

As I’m sitting there waiting for my fate to be revealed, this giant monstrosity of an insect lands on my dashboard just inches from my face. I stopped breathing and sat there in awe at its shear size. I’m shocked that I didn’t wet myself. Now, I’m faced with a huge dilemma. I know you are not allowed to get out of your vehicle when you are being pulled over and yet I’m stuck inside of this metal box of terror with this giant buzzing thing!

GAH!!!!!!!!

I was sitting there praying for him to hurry the hell up and come back to rescue me from the grips of this thing that is about to attack me! Finally I see him emerge from the patrol car and I open my door and step out, to which I hear, “Ma’am, stay in your vehicle!”

“But there is this huge THING in my car and I’m petrified! Can you please get it out!” I said in my best “help me” voice. Yeah, and I really said, “thing”.

He grimaces and I stepped back into my horror because it was either that or potentially get tazed for being a bad girl. Great. Now it’s just me and the monster, again. The fuckerbug is now trying to bat his way out through my windshield and making even more of a ruckus than before! Lord help me.

The officer gets up to my window and sees the bug and, once again, I stopped breathing as it came back over to my side of the car. I apologized profusely and said, “I’m so sorry sir but I’m terrified of bugs and this thing is huge!”

He cracked a smile, finally! I had a book in my hand that I was bravely trying to use to remove the fuckerbug but it wasn’t working. The officer is laughing now and tells me to go ahead and step out and go behind my car, which I do, quickly. Then he hollers around my SUV, “Can I have that book you’re holding please?” to which I reply, “Why YES my knight in shining kevlar!” Heh.

A few seconds later, the damsel in distress (that would be me) is saved from the fuckerbug and is allowed to return to her vehicle. Whew!

Giant officer in Kevlar, you are my hero!! Swoooon.

Oh, and I only got a warning. Whew, again. And I didn’t even have to bust out the, “But I’m late for a church meeting!” Which, I truly was!