Have you ever…

…Febreezed yourself… like when someone is at the door and you haven’t had a shower and the Febreeze is the quickest way to ensure you don’t completely offend the person at the door by your smell? – I have

…driven around all day going from resale shop to resale shop looking for a nice, vintage water pitcher because your husband broke your $.50 ceramic garage sale pitcher that you absolutely ADORED and you finally found one at the last place you visited but were too cheap to pay $8.75 for it? – I have

…written a love letter to a total stranger in your blog where you told him you would dry hump him because he listened to a certain song? – I have

…gone to get up out of your chair quickly only to find your left big toe was stuck in the ties at the bottom of your capris when your leg was tucked under you and then fall, hard and flat on the floor, in front of your male friend/neighbor who was visiting and subsequently tear the ties on your capris right off? – I have

…stopped your bike too fast and fell on your ass right in front your other neighbor who was coming home from work? – I have

…accidentally driven past the giant food menu/speaker where you order your food and subsequently drive up to the pick-up window all of a sudden realizing you must have passed the order speaker only to be met by a confused teenage boy who is trying to figure out what your ordered and how the fuck you passed the GIANT ORDER MENU to begin with? – I have

...farted in your cubicle at work only to realize that it really stinks and you pray to God no one comes over to talk to you because they will know you dropped a serious ass rocket and you will forever be mortified and 2 seconds later your co-worker or boss show up to ask you a question and you just want to die? - I have

…been so embarrassed by the sounds coming from another woman’s ass in the bathroom stall when she is taking a poop so you quickly leave the bathroom so you don’t have to see her or make eye-contact? – I have

…honestly tried licking your own elbow because the email you just got says it’s impossible? – I have

...sung along to a song in the car so badly that you made yourself giggle, and then all out laugh at the atrociousness coming out of your throat? – I have

…been laying in bed alone and wound up scaring yourself so bad with your imagination that you had to sleep with the light on, as an ADULT? – I have

…run out of Dr. Pepper and needed one so bad that you threw your kids in the car in their pajamas so you could run up to the nearest gas station and get yourself a giant 32oz fountain DP only to find your youngest son pissed himself along the way because you didn’t put a pull-up on him first. Stoopid Dr. Pepper. – I have

And one final note… I have not heard back from my newest stalkee. He has not replied to my love letter yet so I have either succeeded in creeping him the fuck out, or, he is waiting the usual 2-day guy rule to contact me and wisk me away to a private island where we will have mad passionate talks about the Godfather while listening to this…

“I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine”