Transitions

For a little less than 4 years I have been without a job, a job that pays money. I have not had to wake up to an alarm. I have not had to ask for vacation time. I have not needed to call in sick. I have been my own boss and have had freedom from rigorous schedules. I have been the woman that my kids puke on, crawl into bed with, laugh with, learn to walk with and who supplied all the hugs and kisses they could ever possibly need.

For a little less than 4 years we have struggled financially. We decided that this struggle was worth the sacrifice because I was home with our kids day in and day out. We have been stressed about money and managed it poorly, but we did it and still managed to put food on the table and keep the roof over our heads.

For a little less than 4 years I have secretly wondered if being an at-home-mom is what is truly best for me and my kids. I have secretly wondered that maybe not working contributes to my laziness and maybe I’m not the best influence on my kids. I have wondered if I’m actually one of those moms that is better off working and would have more well-rounded kids. I have stifled those thoughts because I thought that I was doing my dream job, even though it felt like I couldn’t handle it on many days. I stifled those thoughts because I didn’t want a real job, outside of the house, because I’m lazy. I like being carefree with my schedule. I like not waking up to an alarm.

Yes, I am my own worst critic. I seem to have absolutely zero faith in myself or my abilities. So, being faced with going back to work after 4 years is scary. I don’t want us to become that family who can’t breathe let alone sit down because there just aren’t enough hours in a day to get everything done. I like our somewhat relaxed lifestyle right now. I am wondering how I am going to get up to an alarm (it has NEVER been easy for me… I’m that person who hits snooze 11 times) and get myself and my children ready in the morning. I am wondering how I am going to come home from a long day of work and clean the house, take care of the kids, clean up after dinner and do homework, all before bed. I do need sleep.

However, as I write this out, as these thoughts are purged from my head, one thing scrolls through my brain like an LED sign… This is what I need… This is what I need… This is what I need…

I think I need to be busy. I think I need less sleep in order to function better. I think my kids and I will appreciate each other more. I think I can do this because other mom’s do it every day. I think having structure in my day will be exactly what I need. It will keep my diet in check. I might even lose weight! It will keep my thoughts from wondering all over the place day in and day out. I think that we will have more money.

We. Will. Have. More. Money. That is not the main reason I’m going back to work though but it sure will be nice!

This morning I started out completely terrified. I told myself that it couldn’t be done. I told myself that I was insane to think I could be a working mother. How am I supposed to uproot my kids and myself and go live with my mother in a crowded house and manage a life, in someone else’s home, without my husband. I can’t do that!

The more I write and the more I chat with hub’s about all of this, the more excited I get, the more I realize that this is what I need to do. This will be good for my family in the end, once we are settled in our home and both have a good routine down. I look forward to having something occupy my time that is all mine. I look forward to dressing up in work clothes again. I look forward to paying our bills without worry. I look forward to this new venture.

Even though I’m scared, nervous, apprehensive and sad, I truly am excited to start getting things underway.

In case it is not clear yet, I spoke with the recruiter at UOP (University of Phoenix) yesterday. I told her May 5th was way too soon and asked if a later start date was possible. She said, and this is a direct quote, “Absolutely yes!”

Now before you all get too excited and think, oh they want you bad! It isn’t like that. She just said that they had filled up the spots in the May 5th training class so a later start date would work out for both of us. She said the next training starts in June sometime but she wasn’t sure of the exact date. She will be calling me in the next couple of weeks to let me know. Then, if I can commit to that new date and the 6 weeks of training then she can extend the offer officially.

Now, June is still too soon. And, if it’s early June I won’t be able to accept the offer and I would HOPE she could push me back to yet another start date, without burning up my chances at this job. I could always reapply, but I would rather just get it all over with now and commit to a later start date. So, at this point, we are just waiting for a start date and then, hubs and I have decided that I should take it and move out there with the boys while he finishes things up here. He knows this will make me happy and that is what he wants for me right now.

I worry about him though. This type of move is not easy for him, he is the one giving up a lot now. He feels a lot of pressure and rightly so. He doesn’t even have a job yet. And, he will be the one back here trying to sell or rent this house. He will be the one who won’t see his kids for a few months, or longer, God forbid. Right now, he is the one making the biggest sacrifices, for me. So, I guess we both have a lot of pressure on our shoulders.

Then, there are the boys. We will be taking them away from all they know. They will have a working mother soon. My little velcro-boy, Monster, won’t have me all day long like he does now. He doesn’t even like being away from me for a couple of hours, let alone all day, every day.

Oh the changes that are on our horizon. Oh the fear I feel. Oh the guilt I feel. Oh the excitement I feel. There is a such a gynormous range of emotions here and I can’t really deal with all of them. They circle round as if they were on a lazy susan. One minute it’s guilt that comes up, the next minute it’s excitement. Just grab and spin and see what comes up next.

So, that is where things are. I still have a lot of things to deal with but right now, I feel good. I feel a little like a pouty child who just got her way, though. I didn’t mean for that to be the case. I just know that I was homesick, depressed and overwhelmed and things are starting to come into focus a bit more. I still have to get in touch with a therapist and work on some other things, and I will, today.

Ok, that’s it. Now it’s time to go play with Monster, OUTSIDE!