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I can’t cook rice for shit. No matter how many times the hubs has told me how to do it and no matter how many times I have attempted, it pretty much ends up ruined.
Thank goodness that this currently ruined batch is for the dog.
I forgot to buy dog food today. I forget a lot of things… which pretty much rules out being an elephant in a former life, too. So, in my attempt to redeem myself in the Murrinator’s eyes, I cooked him dinner: a half-ass batch of undercooked and slightly burnt white rice, with a side of carrots.
Now, go ahead, ask me how I can undercook yet burn rice and I will reply with something like the ubiquitous catch phrase of 2007 that everyone uses in an attempt to sound cool, even lamo moms like myself… “I have mad skillz”. Skills must be spelled with a Z in order to maximize the hip factor.
If I were Asian in a previous life then I probably died of starvation. But I bet I was hot!
So, I have made the dog rice and boiled carrots for his dinner but I’ll be damned if I know what the family is eating! That is hub’s job anyway. But, even he doesn’t know what to make.
There is always cereal for dinner. The boys love that. I’m kind of thinking that a glass of wine and an Excedrin will work for me though.
Today is March 28th.
There is snow on the ground.
Fucking groundhog.
My kids had me up way too early this morning and I’m yawning so much that my jaw hurts and my eyes are watering so I can’t see straight.
DramaBoy just pooped in the toilet and came to me asking for a special treat. This is where things get just awesome for Monster. See, whenever DramaBoy poops in the toilet, he gets a special treat. This means that Monster gets a free special treat too because there is no way we could give DramaBoy a treat and not give Monster a treat too. God forbid.
My friend still loves me. Not sure why, but she does. “It must be nice to be validated by people who haven’t been royally screwed by you. It truly sucks being on the other end of your crap.” Ouch, but sooooo fair. She is so totally right.
I read this post yesterday and all I could think of was how I would never be that friend nor would I ever have that friend. People that are these friends and have these friends are very lucky. I think my problem is that I’m too self-absorbed most of the time.
There you have it. I’m. Self-absorbed.
So, time to fix that.
In other news, did I mention we have snow on the ground?
Well, I’m off to continue my self-evaluation and then to run errands… out in the cold, wet weather.
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This makes me smile though….
How much is too much information? Where does a blogger draw the line? Where does someone like me draw the line when it comes to writing about myself, my life or my kids?
A few months ago someone told me that I claim to be honest and forthright in my blog but that I leave certain details out. I replied that I have every right to do that. Nothing of what I right is fiction. Nothing. But, if I chose to leave some details out about a real fight that hubs and I had because it might make him look bad, then yes, I do. I have that right and I do that because it would not be fair to hubs. I have no problem sharing silly fights we have or making myself look bad, but I won’t use my blog to make him look bad, even if he really is wrong about something. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. This is MY blog so making fun of myself, or total strangers, is fine. Making myself look bad or ripping on other strange and complete idiots in the world is fine. But I won’t do that to my husband.
Am I wrong in that? If so, tell me. I’m a big girl.
My whole point is that I am finding the line between full disclosure of myself and leaving some stuff to mystery is harder and harder to define. There are so many things I want to write about and so much in my head right now that I’m going a little bit crazy. Ok, I’m actually on the bus to Crazytown and we are nearing the station.
I take Prozac. I think I have mentioned this many times. Maybe you thought I was kidding, but I’m not. I have absolutely no problem telling anyone this. My husband wishes I would not mention it because it’s a private matter for me. Fine. Agree to disagree. I’m not ashamed that I take it. The only shame I have is that I rely on a pill to fix me instead of more natural methods that might work too.
My last therapist told me that I am slightly obsessive compulsive because I have obsessive thoughts. I won’t go into details because I just don’t feel like trying to explain it again. Either way, the meds do help me so I take them. They also help me remain on a more even mood plain.
I have been off of my meds for a week now. So, last night, I was awoken at 4:30am by Monster and then laid awake for an hour and half obsessing over how rotten of a person I am. I thought about how I don’t deserve to have any friends. I change my mind too much. I’m too flaky and that I never know what I really want and I sacrifice the feelings of others for my own. This is normal when I’m not on my meds. Thoughts circle in my head and just twist and turn as if they are being sucked into a black hole. That is how I feel at times like this… like I’m swirling around the edge of a black hole and have no way out.
I know I have issues. I tell people I have issues. They can probably see I have issues, if they know me well enough. Consider me like one of those women you see from far away…. at a distance she looks put together, pretty and reasonably well-balanced. Then, as you get closer and closer you realize her complexion is bad, she wears too much makeup to cover it up, her hair is dry and damaged and her clothes have stains on them.
That is me. At a distance and on the surface I probably seem normal and put together. When I leave the house with my boys I’m dressed fairly nice, my hair is neat, make-up on and I have a cute purse, always. But, what you don’t see is everything underneath. You don’t see that I lie awake at night evaluating myself as a wife, mother, friend, sister. You don’t see how I yell at my kids sometimes. You don’t see that there are plenty of days when I don’t even get dressed. You don’t see that there are times when I can’t take the sound of “Mama!” and I plug my ears and practically cry. You don’t see that I’m lazy and how I would rather blog than do laundry. You don’t see my bad financial decisions day in and day out. And, you don’t see inside of my head… the crazy, nonsensical mess inside of my head.
I may have lost a second friend. A second good friend in 3 months. Doesn’t that tell you all something? While the reasons are completely different and I do not blame the person this time, it is still very telling of where I am as a person.
I am not the person I want to be. Then again, I never have been. How many times have you read in this blog how I’m still searching for who I am and blah blah blah. I gotta tell you, I am even sick of the sound of my own voice. No joke. I drive myself crazy with all the bullshit that spews from my head to my lips or my head to my computer screen.
It isn’t that I don’t mean what I’m saying each and every time. I really do think that I mean what I’m saying. I really do think that I believe it. But, it turns out that maybe I’m saying and believing it for the sake of others. So essentially, I’m lying to myself, over and over. And, that means I’m lying to others as well, right?
I never intend to hurt anyone. I don’t calculate how I’m going to get my way or mess up another person’s life. I don’t purposely forget birthdays or to get gifts for others. I don’t intentionally set out to be a bad friend or mother. Everything just happens as a chain reaction from other mistakes or events around me. It is my reaction to them that makes me who I am. And, I don’t like who I am or who I have become. But, I know I’m in there. I know I can be a much better person. I’m confident in that much.
I guess, in the end, I don’t take control over all of my actions. I let other factors influence me and don’t take the time to really think about other people like I should. So, on my never-ending journey to find the root of myself and be the best person I can be, I have discovered another facet in order to help me. I talked to hubs today about this, in fewer words. I told him that in my fight to get back to me and who I want to be I might become someone he doesn’t like anymore. But, I won’t be afraid of that, because, being true to myself is the single most important facet a person can have.
I know I sound like a fool. I know that I am a fool. I know that blogging is considered lame by some people. I know that a lot of people aren’t as revealing as I am. But, I use this as a way to escape myself sometimes. By writing what is in my head I can get it out and away from me. Escape. However, I have to start remembering what I write and make sure it is honest to ME, otherwise, it’s just bullshit and lip service all over again.
I just have to stop making the same mistakes over and over again. That is yet another issue I have. I wonder if I’ll be this insane when I’m 50. I wonder if I’ll ever have myself figured out or if I’ll go to the grave with an epitaph that reads “Her intentions were good, but once a fool always a fool…”
On a lighter note, I just received this link in an email and believe it or not, it made my day. I used to totally heart Rick Astley. Laugh all you want, I admit it.
I’m not sure if any of you have seen these videos but they are a riot.
I was emailed about this a little while ago and thought I would post one.
I hope the video link works. Last time I tried this it didn’t work:)
There are a bunch more videos like this at www.inthemotherhood.com.
Of course, I was offered some free goodies for posting this but I would have done it anyway because I love the videos that much. Trust me, watching them will kill some time at work, or during those precious nap times of our dear sweet rugrats!
I finally have some time to get to part II of the pictures and road trip.
These pictures are from then end of our first day and part of our second day in San Diego.
We went to dinner at the Fish Market which is down on the water right next to the big military ship called the Midway.
First we have the giant statue of the soldier kissing the nurse on the grounds of the restaurant right next to the Midway.
This was my view from my chair at the restaurant. This seagull kept coming back to visit. I finally slipped him some bread. I knew it was the same seagull because he had one distinctive foot. There was glass between us but there were air vents at the bottom that I could slip him some food through.
We watched a cruise ship pull out of port while we were eating dinner. We all thought it was a giant ship…
… then this one pulled out. Same picture, same distance, same everything. Just a ship that was 3 times as big. I know it sounds silly but I have never seen a cruise ship up close like this.
The next day we went out to Coronado Island. I was there as a kid and loved it. I loved it even more this time. Here is DramaBoy standing on a rock right in front of where we parked.
Me and the boys
Here is a shot of the Hotel Del Coronado. I love this place. I have loved it since I was a kid. But next time I see it, I will be STAYING THERE!
Here is a shot of the hotel from the beach.
This is a tree at the entrance of the hotel that I found incredibly intriguing. I have never seen anything like this before.
I have also never seen a bird of paradise in person before. So exotic!
Little old me outside of the private villas at the hotel.
I guess that is it for now. I will have my sister send me some of my pictures from her computer so I can share those. Then, I’ll start adding the pictures from our drive home. Those are cool.
Ok, Verybadcat tagged me… so I will oblige!! I haven’t done one of these in a while and, since I don’t have much time to post, let alone compile pictures of our trip, I will do this for today:)
Four films I’d watch again (in no particular order):
1. Grosse Point Blank -I LOVE this movie. The dialog is exceptional.
2. Four Brothers – awesome movie that I saw in the theater and am dying to see again.
3. 40-Year Old Virgin. – come on, that movie is just downright hilarious.
4. Blast From the Past – I watch it any time it’s on t.v, no matter where I pick it up in the movie.
Four places I’ve lived:
1. Brainerd, Minnesota (Remember the movie Fargo? Yeah, I lived in that town.)
2. Mesa, Arizona (Sooooo want to go back!!!)
3. Yuma, Arizona (Drove through there on the way to San Diego earlier this month. Same old shithole)
4, Miami Beach, Florida (Lived there as a toddler… seemed pretty awesome in the pictures)
Four tv shows I watch:
1. Lipstick Jungle – (Am I the only one who loves seeing Janet (from 90210) playing Victory!)
2. All My Children – (Not a word about it… yes, I watch it.)
3. Reruns of the O.C – (I’m a late bloomer and caught it on Soap Net from the beginning…just recently. Seth and Summer are the best couple EVER!)
4. How I Met Your Mother – (Legen… wait for it… dary!)
Four Things to Eat:
1. Pringles Baked Sticks. The newest best snack ever.
2. Toaster Strudle – strawberry
3. Penne pasta with shrimp
4. My tortilla soup
Four Places I’d Rather Be:
1. Arizona
2. Southeastern Utah (you’ll see why soon as the Road Trip ‘08© saga continues)
3. Cabo San Lucas
4. On a warm secluded beach with crystal blue water
Four People to Tag:
1. Shionge – My singapore pal!
2. Princess Sparkle Pants – because she’s sooo “likeable” and needs something else to do:)
3. Jenni – just because I said so!
4. Ree.. sweet sweet Ree -Because she’s a hot drunk apparently. Gotta love hot drunks.
Now go on and get to it.
I’ll get part two of the Road Trip up sometime in the next few days. It really is a lot of work:)
I feel like I have so much to write about but when I actually start to think of the words, I realize there aren’t many. It is all wrapped up in the pictures.
I guess this blog will temporarily become a photo blog. I am not even sure where to start, but I guess we will go from the very beginning to the end. The only problem is that all of the pictures I took during my first 3 weeks are still on my sister’s computer. I forgot to transfer them to a flash drive before I left.
As for the trip, it was amazing. Things didn’t exactly go the way I had planned though. I mean, the first two weeks were spent taking care of two sick kids and fighting off the flu myself. The boys got the brunt of it unfortunately. Luckily though, I never came down with it completely so I was able to take care of them. It would have been worse if I was laid up too and had to be taken care of!
Anyway, the boys played with their cousins a lot… outside! I spent good time with my mom and sister and just relaxed. It was pretty easy going and we were all enjoying the amazing weather.
Hubs and his sister began the drive down to Arizona on 2/28 at 4pm (dubbed Road Trip ‘08©) and got to my sisters house at 7pm on 2/29. Yes, 27 hours, straight through. My SIL has sworn off any road trips with my Nazi road-trip husband. I don’t blame her! LOL! More on that later.
Anyway, we spent a couple of days putzing around Mesa and hubs got all caught up with the boys. Then we drove to San Diego.. thus beginning my portion of “Road Trip ‘08©”. Hubs, SIL, me and the boys loaded into Mr. SUV and we headed to the coast. I worked hard to make sure Hubs was not the road Nazi this time…
See, we started calling him that after he and his sister first arrived in AZ. On road trips hubs like to just get to the destination quickly and easily. He doesn’t like stopping, except for gas. He doesn’t even eat or drink much so that he won’t have to take bathroom breaks. He also does ALL of the driving. He’s a bit insane. Well, my SIL, the boys and I all enjoy stopping and getting snacks, eating food, and going to the bathroom along the way. So, while she and hubs drove to AZ, she was alone in her fight. She couldn’t battle the road Nazi alone. So she lost.
But, on our way to San Diego, her and I joined forces against the road Nazi and we got our potty breaks and fast food AND snacks! We were victorious!! It was a 7 hour road trip that turned out to be no-so-bad because we had full tummies and empty bladders.
Now, on with the pics…
San Diego, March 3 and 4th, 2008.
First, we saw flying dolphins.
And a very lazy otter.
We fed some very VERY loud and hungry seals. They are serious about their fish.
Then we got to pet some giant sting rays. They are cool but feel really slimy.
We tried not to wake up the rather large Polar Bear. Actually, we called them lazy-asses:)
We strolled through the arctic
We walked through the underwater shark tunnel.
And then I had the flamingos eating out of my hand… literally. They are very gentle with their beaks.
Then it was silly face time for Aug and his sister and our boys.
Time for the cable car ride high above the bay!
It was awesome!
There goes hubs and Monster past us!
Enter the pinnacle of Sea World… SHAMU! Or, as DramaBoy dubbed him, Shampoo!
Shamu in midair.
Shamu multiplied!
Shamu up close.
He is so big! Or is it a she?
Time to say goodbye to Sea World.
More San Diego stuff tomorrow!
© material is care of the SIL. She insisted that Road Trip ‘08© was her’s. I’m just sayin’.
We are back home.
Lots to do.
I don’t want to be here, even though it has, thankfully, been warm and sunny.
The Christmas decorations are STILL up in my front yard. Good lord. Redneck much?
Did I mention I don’t want to be here.
I miss my family.
Lots of pictures to share but it will have to wait until I have time.
More later.
This is just a quick check in, while I have a few moments.
Enquiring minds have been beating me to a pulp asking me how the interview went.
Well, I interviewed with my old boss. That should give you some clue.
It was, um, shall we say, informal. He had a ton of formatted questions that he needed to ask me that all applicants are asked, but instead of asking me, he filled in the answers to 90% of them because he said over and over as he scanned the questions, “I know the answer to that.” and “I know the answer to that.”
I haven’t worked for him in over 6 years… and he remembered a lot. He’s a good egg.
Sad to say, from the interview, I would not have hired me. I was even busted chewing gum. I cannot believe I forgot to spit it out! Thank goodness he has a sense of humor, and, knows me well. But I flopped in the interview and sounded like a moron.
Anyway, I moved onto the second part of the interview process and am just waiting to hear back. The only problem is, I don’t live here… yet. So I’m not sure what is going to happen.
Hubby did tell me this morning though… “I don’t want to go back”.
WOOT!
We spent two days in San Diego and just got back last night and I have a lot of catching up to do and time to spend with family before we start our road trip back home this weekend. So, you may not hear from me again until next week.
Peace out.
