Love me or leave me.

In the past few days life has gone on just like it always does; dirty diapers, the dog tearing apart everything he can find in the kitchen, cleaning up after the kids and general controlled chaos. Ok, so it’s not always controlled.

The difference in the last few days from all the previous other days is that I am much more self-aware and critical and questioning of my own actions. I’m more attentive. This is a good thing and I owe this to that ex-friend. She said incredibly hurtful things to me but just because they were hurtful, out of line and none of her concern it didn’t make them necessarily wrong.

This is where her and I drastically differ. I’m open. I may think nasty things about her and I may never want to see her face again, but at least I can learn from her. There is no doubt in my mind that she is wrong on so many levels. There is no doubt in my mind that she is the snobbiest person I have ever met in my life. There is no doubt in my mind that nothing is good enough for her. Nothing.

However, she called me out on a lot of things that are, at the very least, partially true. So, there is nothing wrong with me making a conscious effort to do things better. Unfortunately, our falling out is haunting me. It is haunting me because, as I said before, I stew on things. Her words and accusations are on permanent repeat in my head. It is like a looping tape or a broken record that won’t stop. For this, I hate myself for giving her this power over me.

The thing that is keeping me grounded is the things my friends and loved ones have said to me. The comments you, virtual strangers, have left for me are wonderful and so appreciated. In situations like this, people take sides. She has just as many people that love her as much as I have friends and family that love me. So she is going to have many people that agree with her and her convictions and I’m going to have my own people that agree with me. That is how life works. There are always 2 sides. In her world, she is right. In my world, I’m right.

This means we cancel each other out, move on with our lives and meet new people. What I do is learn from all of this and take my newfound wisdom with me. I have learned a few things in the past few days that I hope to remember every single day of the rest of my life.

Number one, no one is going to define me. No one. The people even remotely qualified to say things about me and my actions are my mother and my husband. My mother gave birth to me, raised me and knows me. My husband lives with me day in and day out and can predict my actions and words before I even think them sometimes. The rest of the world has no clue so they can just shut up.

Number two, the next potential friend I meet will be kept at arms length until I feel comfortable. And even then, I will not share all of myself. This is will be incredibly difficult as, by nature, I’m an open book. I don’t have anything to hide. However, I will never ever let anyone into my life enough again so that they can throw my mistakes back in my face. This is a contradictory ideal but I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I can’t control who comes into my life, so “choosing” my friends is not something I really believe in completely. I believe people come and go for important reasons and you should be open to everyone and find the good that you can find and learn what you can learn. So, I’m not saying I’m going to choose my friends more carefully, necessarily. But, I will choose my own interaction levels next time.

While I may struggle with who I am every day, battle with my own actions every day and try to better myself every day, I do know who I am. Despite all of my struggle I know exactly who I am.

I am the girl who loves attention.

I am the mother who loves her kids with everything she has but still makes big mistakes.

I am the girl who read through the headlines on my web homepage today and saw that there was more unrest in Kenya and Iraq and that the internet crashed overseas but instead of clicking on those I clicked on the only headline that stood out “Britney Taken to Hospital.” I am THAT person. It may not be right and I may not be proud of it, but it is me.

I am the bitch at the grocery store who’s having a bad day and potentially taking it out on an innocent bystander.

I am the driver that has no patience for stupid people.

I am the girl that drives down the road and spots a stray dog and wants to stop and bring him home… and I have.

I am the girl that passes the homeless man on the street and wonders what his story is and sometimes I give him money.

I am the girl that judges people too quickly sometimes as I surrender to stereotypes.

I am the girl that is never satisfied and always looks for something better.

I am the girl that loves change and rearranges my house just to feel better sometimes.

I am the girl who LOVES purses.

I am the girl who loves shopping at resale shops for me and the boys because it’s fun.

I am the girl who yells, a lot.

I am the girl who doesn’t mind getting her hands dirty in the garden or on cars but hates it when her kids touch her with dirty, sticky fingers.

I am the girl who likes to be different and swim against the flow, but caves to peer pressure a lot.

I am the girl that tries to find the good in a person before the bad.

Right or wrong, this is me. I’ll change what I can and when I can but the rest is a take it or leave it deal.

The End.